Today is a special day. I wrote a letter that is too personal to be included here.

What I can share is what that letter forced me to face.

I need a kind of transformation that cannot be faked. Not a makeover. Not a public rebrand. Not a handful of new habits stapled onto the same old heart.

​I am after a deeper change, the kind that takes years if it has to.  (That is not what I hoped but I am willing to put in the years.)

President Ezra Taft Benson taught something that has settled into me like a stone in the pocket, heavy in the right way:

The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

I have spent plenty of my life trying to do this backward.

I tried to change outcomes by changing pressure. I tried to fix problems by intensifying my tone. I tried to force growth out of someone else while failing to govern myself.

That is outside-in religion.

​Inside-out change looks slower. It looks quieter. It looks like becoming someone who can be trusted with influence again, whether that influence ever returns or not.

I am working my tail off.

I am studying. I am reading. I am getting counseling. I am applying the material, failing, circling back, and applying it again. I am letting other people see my blind spots. I am learning how to sit in discomfort without turning that discomfort into anger.

I am not moving as fast as I want.

But I am moving.

And I am learning that God tends to work in places I used to ignore.

He works in the pause before a reaction.

He works in the moment I admit I was wrong without adding a speech.

He works in the humility of being teachable.

He works in the slow building of a new default.

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There is a category of harm that does not have a clean receipt.

Some things can be repaired by returning what was taken. Some things can be repaired by replacing what was broken. But some wrongs leave an imprint that cannot be scrubbed out by a single conversation, a single apology, or even a sincere one.

If you have ever snapped a branch and then tried to tape it back onto the tree, you know what I mean. You can bind it. You can water it. You can hope. But you cannot un-break it.

There are words I have said that cannot be unsaid.

There are moments I have stolen that cannot be given back.

No matter how sorry I am, I do not have the power to reverse time.

And this is where my faith stops being a slogan and starts being a necessity.

Only the Savior Jesus Christ can restore what has been taken in ways I cannot replace.

The best I can do is repent. The best I can do is become different. The best I can do is stop adding new harm to old harm.

The Addiction Recovery Program teaches that making amends is not about justifying ourselves or trying to control the response of the person we harmed. It is about admitting wrongs, apologizing, and making restitution whenever possible. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

But it also teaches something that has changed how I understand restitution.

Sometimes we cannot make amends directly.

Sometimes a legal restriction keeps us from contacting someone. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

Sometimes approaching someone would be painful for them or even harmful, and this step should never cause further harm or distress. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

And sometimes we have done harm that we cannot repair.

Elder Neil L. Andersen taught that there are wrongs that cannot be made right by the person who caused them, and that love, trust, and respect may be impossible to restore without the Lord’s intervention. In those cases, one form of restitution may be living righteously and blessing others as an instrument in the Lord’s hands. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

That is both sobering and relieving.

Sobering, because it removes the illusion that I can fix everything.

​Relieving, because it shows a path forward that is honest.

Step 8 in the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program is not the step where you run out and start talking. It is the step where you prepare.

It describes the wreckage of addiction and unhealthy living like a tornado through relationships. Step 8 is the moment you stop pretending the damage is “not that bad,” and you start naming it. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

Two lines from the manual matter to me:

That is wisdom I wish I had learned earlier.

​Step 8 teaches a process that feels simple but is actually brutal if you do it honestly:

That is in the manual, and it cuts right through a person. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

I used to measure harm by whether I left bruises.

Now I understand harm also includes the emotional atmosphere I created.

The dread in the hallway.

The tension when a key turns in the door.

The flinch that comes from unpredictability.

The manual also says something that is easy to skip past if you are not paying attention:

This step is not an exercise in shaming anyone, including yourself. As we take an honest look at troubled relationships and our part in them, the Savior lifts burdens of guilt and shame. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

That matters.

I am not interested in performative self-hatred. I am interested in repentance that produces a new man.

Step 8 also digs into willingness.

Sometimes we cannot even become willing to make amends because we are tangled up in resentment, including resentment toward people who hurt us too. The manual teaches that cycles of mutual resentment only break when someone is willing to forgive, and it points to Christ’s mercy as the model. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

That is hard.

But it is necessary.

Because resentment is poison that feels like protection.

Step 9 is where a person wants to move fast. Either because they feel guilty or because they want relief.

The manual says we need courage, good judgment, sensitivity, prudence, and appropriate timing, and most of us do not naturally possess those qualities at first. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

​It warns against two equal dangers:

And it teaches something that fits the season of my life right now:

Sometimes legal restrictions keep you from meeting with someone. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

So what do you do when you cannot make amends directly, or when making contact would cause harm?

The manual gives alternatives that still keep the soul honest.

It says that even if a letter cannot be delivered, you can write one to express regret and a desire to reconcile. It also suggests indirect amends: quietly helping someone who reminds you of that person, or doing something anonymously for their family. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

It also teaches the concept of living amends.

From the moment we adopt true principles into our new way of life, we begin to make living amends. We amend the way we live, and as we live in recovery, it blesses everyone around us. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

That is the kind of restitution I can offer when I cannot offer anything else.

Not words.

Not access.

Not pressure.

A changed life.

A calmer spirit.

A man who learns to be safe.

Step 9 is honest about outcomes.

Sometimes people will not forgive you. Sometimes they forgive you but do not want a relationship. The manual says to respect their feelings and honor their agency. Step 9 is about doing our part. It does not require the other person to reconcile with us. (churchofjesuschrist.org)

That is a boundary many of us need to hear.

Because some of us, when we feel guilty, start thinking forgiveness is something we can earn if we suffer loudly enough.

Forgiveness is not a hostage negotiation.

It is a gift people may or may not offer.

Agency remains.

And even when agency leads to distance, we can still move forward in recovery.

If you are reading this and you are trying to change, I want you to know something.

You are not the only one who has wished for faster progress.

You are not the only one who has looked back at your past and thought, I cannot repair that.

You are not the only one who has harmed people you love.

The hope is not that we become flawless overnight.

The hope is that we become honest.

The hope is that we stop blaming the world for the wreckage we made.

The hope is that we turn to Christ and let Him do the inside-out work.

And if the best you can offer right now is living amends, then offer that.

Show up to counseling.

Keep your commitments.

Tell the truth.

Practice the pause.

Get accountability.

Keep doing the next right thing.

Do not rush to ease your guilt in ways that reopen wounds.

Do not delay because fear wants to keep you small.

Pray for prudence.

Pray for charity.

Pray for the kind of heart that does not need to control how other people respond.

And when you face the places you cannot fix, remember this.

The Savior specializes in restoration.

He can heal what you cannot heal.

He can restore what you cannot restore.

He can change human nature.

And as He changes you, you may find that your environment begins to change too, because you are finally becoming the kind of person who stops exporting pain.

That is the kind of transformation I am after.

And I am not done.

But I am on the road. And I thank God for that!

Create A Celestial Day,



Scott Alan Westhoff
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​P.S. If you haven't realized it by now, those links are for clicking on.  Please do whether you think you're an addict or not.  That manual is helpful for everyone, even you.